Last night I laid in bed feeling confused, anxious, exhausted, and annoyed. Tears streamed down my face. E held my shaking body.

I sometimes wish there were a secret camera to catch those “off script” moments; so everyone could see the moments that actually make us well, us.

Sometimes my off script moments are beautiful, but not last nights.

Confused as to which direction He’s pulling us in, I cried tears of frustration begging God to give us clarity in our next chapter.

Anxious as our move is approaching, yet we still don’t know which city it will be for sure (Chicago or NYC), I cried tears of fearing the unknown. In that moment I longed to just be a kid again. Oh adulting, you sometimes suck.

Exhausted physically from barre and mentally from the kids. I wanted to just shut down and go to sleep, but all of the other emotions were running high and I couldn’t get my mind to rest.

The cherry on top of it all: I was annoyed with myself for feeling all of those things and feeling stupid for crying. I often wish I could drown out the part of me that feels everything so immensely.

Eventually, like I always do, I crashed.

Next time you’re on Facebook or Instagram just keep that in mind. We celebrate each other’s successes and it’s fun to display things that have made us happy, but don’t for a second believe that an intentionally posted photo actually depicts a person’s whole world. Nobody’s life is always perfectly clean, with fresh blooms, iced coffee in a mason jar, super fun, full of happy kids who get along, and a lovey-dovey husband. That’s not reality. That’s just a snapshot (most likely on Instagram) of a really awesome, fleeting moment. Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not ridiculing people for posting those joyous moments. In fact, I love them. I celebrate with them. Plus, beautiful photos speak my love language. 🙂 It’s just good to get back to the basics and remember that there isn’t a life that hasn’t had its share of downs, frustrations, loss, tears, and bad days.

I woke up this morning and and decided to read in Psalms. Psalms is always my go-to for consolation with The Lord. The Psalms always seem to empathize and encourage me.

Psalm 143:8 says, “Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

That is my prayer these days.

To rise each morning hearing the whispers of His love, solidifying my trust in Him, believing He will guide us in this move and all that comes with it.

Then, I ran. Running isn’t something I do very often anymore. Mostly because I don’t make time for it, but partially because I get enough exercise by teaching barre. However, something I love about running is how it clears my mind more than anything else. I’ve described working out as an act of worship before, and for me, it really is.

As my feet hit the pavement and my lungs began to sting a little, music played and the negative thoughts started to be replaced. My anxiety waned. I felt a peace come over me. I even had to laugh at how dramatic I had been. Oh, hindsight I love/hate you.  

Although it isn’t a worship song and doesn’t lyrically relate, I’ve found myself so moved by “Meteorites” by LIGHTS. I don’t know what it is about her voice and the instruments, but man my words don’t do justice. Take a listen (you won’t regret it) and tell me if it moves you, too.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, my natural tendency is to suppress it, stuffing it further down until, like a shaken up bottle of pop, I explode. Maybe you are in the same boat. I left my prayer below so we could join arms together and receive His goodness, peace, and hope.

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Jesus, I give you my soul; every emotion that I cannot contain. I praise you for the ability to feel like I do. I thank you for accepting me just as I am and forgiving me when I attempt to do life without you. I’ll always run to you and I know you’ll be constant, even on my worst days. Help me to trust you and go forward with confidence. Thank you for filling me with your peace. No matter who or what comes my way, I can’t be shaken if I’m rooted in you. Keep me grounded, Lord.

Photos by HZ photography. <3

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3 comments

Reply

Thank you for this post! I really needed to hear this tonight. 🙂

Reply

Thanks for reading, Natalie! I’m glad you found hope through it.

Reply

Hey Manda,

Thanks for sharing. I love how you are real with people about life! It’s not always rosy. I, too, love Instagram and LOVE creating and posting beautiful pictures but for every happy snap, there’s another moment that’s a bit more challenging. Thinking of you and your family in this season & wishing you all the best.

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